I am mine before anyone else’s.

Commitment.

For most of my life, I’ve craved it; needed it. Manipulated others to receive it.
And I still never felt like someone was wholeheartedly dedicated to the very existence of  me.

yoga 7
Credit: wasiawasia.tumblr.com

That is, until I realized how deeply and habitually I was uncommitted to myself.
We can’t expect commitment from others until the commitment to ourselves is paramount.

“With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.” — Jarod Kintz


Are you willing to go to the ends of the earth to love yourself beyond measure?
Is who you are more important than the stares, opinions, thoughts, dreams, visions, and dares of others?

May I tell you a quick story?

For two years I was so deeply uncommitted to myself that I kept manifesting situations where I was undervalued, overworked, and under-appreciated. From my significant other to my friends, it felt like I could never do enough to please anyone, and my emotional bank account kept over drafting.

I would wake up in cold sweats every night, wondering if I would fall back to sleep in time enough to get at least 4 hours of rest. Panic attacks every other day. Irregular periods, and yo-yoing weight gain. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t free. I felt stuck.

During this time, I happened to run into an old friend from my early college days at a birthday party. We hadn’t spoken in over 4 years, and we were ecstatic to see each other. Finding a quiet place to talk was difficult, but we somehow found ourselves sipping random hunch punch and talking about the last few years and our dreams. Although I had walked into the party feeling like all was lost, seeing him sparked something in me. It wasn’t loud or mind-shattering. It was like a soft whisper. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and vowed to not lose touch again.

That night, I dreamed that I invited my old friend over for dinner. My partner and I were fixing food in the kitchen, and he was standing in the dining room laughing and chatting with us. He then walked up to me and said,

“Ivy, you can live the life you want to live. Go live your life. Don’t hold back. You can have the life you’ve dreamed of!”

I woke up the next morning, shaken. Almost in tears, I told the dream to my partner. We both knew that it was the message from the Creator I’d been crying and praying for. And I heeded the call.

It was time to commit to ME.

We can’t expect commitment from others until the commitment to ourselves is paramount.

Loving yourself comes at a price. There are trade-offs you must make in order to fully invest your energy in knowing and loving who you are. For me, it means taking the time to investigate the origin of my fears…which means spending less time with friends and family, and more time reflecting on my desires, needs, and wants. It also means creating the space to write, dream, learn, and relearn myself.

Falling in love with yourself is a never-ending journey. And the time spent doing so is invaluable; it is sacred. When your commitment to yourself begins to falter, it’s easier to let your insecurities and fears rule your decision-making. Choices are then made from obligations and indebtedness instead of from a place of freedom. Our ability to choose is what keeps us human, and supple. We don’t have to let ourselves go in order to please others. We can choose freedom.

Freedom = Choice = Commitment

In an article about breaking the myth that successful women are unsupportive of other women, Marcia Ayacaba says, “Once you are … at the point that your choices are about & for you alone, other women’s choices do not affect yours, your own past choices do not drive you. You stop comparing and you are free to soar and to serve.”

Choose yourself. Always.


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